


The Good Doctor

by LieutenantWubs



Category: Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, Hallucinations, Hospitalization, Hospitals, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Emotional Abuse (addressed), Schizophrenia (mentioned), Self-Harm (implied/foreshadowed), Suicide Attempt, Therapy, of beth and hannah, pre-anniversary
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-06
Updated: 2015-11-26
Packaged: 2018-04-19 09:43:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 16,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4741667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LieutenantWubs/pseuds/LieutenantWubs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Josh is beginning therapy, so Sam goes with him for support. After awhile, Dr. Hill begins to bring Sam into the topic and sessions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Doctor

**Author's Note:**

> I'm actually going to try and make a series of something. This'll be interesting...
> 
> I got this prompt from an Anon on tumblr.

“Are you excited to meet him?” Sam was sitting in the passenger seat of Josh’s car as he drove to his therapist’s office. Originally, she hadn’t planned on coming, but he asked for her to be there with him, just in case ‘shit hit the fan’. His parents were too busy with work to make it.

“Are people usually excited to see a doctor and be told that they are screwed in the head?” Josh was keeping his focus on the road, but Sam could see that he was actually nervous. She gave his shoulder a comforting squeeze before looking out the window.

The cold of winter was slowly giving way for the nicer weather that April promised. Sam looked at all the trees that were still void of leaves, anxious for the day that they would all bloom with vibrant green leaves. Winter use to be one of her favorite seasons, but now, it just reminded her of Hannah and Beth.

Reminded her of how they probably froze to death…

Josh turned the car into a quaint little house’s driveway, before parking and turning the car off.

“Well, here we are.” He looked less than happy, but Josh still got out of the car and waited for Sam to join him.

“I was expecting more of a small office complex, not a cozy home. But hey, at least it’s nice, right?” Sam tried to get him into a conversation, but Josh kept staring up at the building with a look of suspicion. She knew that Josh had a problem with being told what to do, so having to go to a therapist was probably killing him. To get him moving, she hooked his arm in hers and smiled up at him when he looked down.

“Come on, Josh! You just put one foot in front of the other.” She started singing while making large dramatic steps towards the porch stairs. He couldn’t help but smile at Sam’s silliness, so he complied and followed her up the stairs, where she rang the doorbell. Josh looked left of the door and saw a plague that stated in bold,

**Dr. A.J. Hill**

**Psychopathologist Specialist**

His mood soured at that. Psycho. He never liked that word. It was a word that, to him, meant someone with no self restraint. Someone who hurt rather than helped. He wasn’t like that.

Sam looked up at him and smiled, giving his arm a gentle squeeze to show that she was still there for him.

He hadn’t been there for Sam after Beth and Hannah went missing. He only looked after himself. He hadn’t even been there for his sisters. 

Josh looked down at his shoes and noticed one was untied. But footsteps could be heard within the house.

He had been drunk that night… While Beth and Hannah went missing.

He had pushed all his friends away, but they deserved that, didn’t they? It was their fault that his sisters were gone.

Or was it his?

The door opened and Josh could hear Sam greeting someone.

Maybe he was a psycho…

“Josh?”

He looked up to see Sam and an average looking man of 50 staring at him, both giving him a look of concern. Josh made eye contact with who he assumed was the doctor, and the man held out his hand.

“Hello, Joshua, I’m glad you came.” He stared down at the man’s offered hand for a moment before giving him a half-assed hand shake.

“Yeah, glad to be here.” The sarcasm was evident in his voice and Sam gave him a hard look for it. The older man had a tight smile but turned his attention to Sam.

“And who might you be? Are you a relative?” Sam was quicker to respond to his hand shake, and gave him a sincere smile.

“Nope, just his friend. I wanted to be here for him.” Josh knew she was lying. He had specifically asked her to come, and she agreed. Like she always did when he needed her.

“That is incredibly kind of you, miss…?”

“Oh! My name is Sam.” Josh shoved his hands into his pockets, feeling the breeze was starting to put him on edge.

“Well it is wonderful to meet you both. Josh, why don’t we head into my office and figure out how you would like to structure your experience here? Sam, feel free to get comfortable in the living room. I have a large collection of books that you are more than welcomed to look through.” Dr. Hill led them through the house and gestured to the living room where Sam could sit. She grabbed Josh’s hand before he left for the office and squeezed.

“It’ll be ok. I’ll be sitting here waiting for you.” Josh squeezed her hand back, before reluctantly letting go of the only person he felt comfortable with, only to follow a strange man into an unknown area.

When he entered Dr. Hill’s office, he noticed that it had a very elegant atmosphere. There was a large window to his right, and two very ornate sitting chairs. One on each side of a large wooden desk. Dr. Hill gestured for Josh to sit down, and quickly made his way to sit across from him. Josh watched as the doctor pulled a clipboard and paper out from one the desk drawers, followed by him grabbing a pen out of a jar of writing utensils. Once it seemed he was all set, Dr. Hill looked up at Josh and smiled.

“So, Joshua, why don’t you begin by telling me why your parents are sending you here.”

* * *

Sam was getting into an interesting chapter of one of Dr. Hill’s books that was comparing human behavior to animals when she heard the door to his office open. She looked up to see Josh walking towards her with Dr. Hill behind him. Josh looked pissed, but at the same time, his eyes were bloodshot.

“I see you were enjoying one of the many books I own. That particular book was a good choice.” Dr. Hill pulled out a card and handed it to Josh. He looked at it for a moment before grabbing it and shoving it into his pocket. Dr. Hill tried to not notice the aggressive behavior. “If it is alright with you Josh, I’d like to see you again next week. I feel like we made some excellent progress today. And thank  _you_ , Sam, for coming. It shows a lot of character.” She smiled at him, but was worried about Josh. He seemed really upset.

“Thank you, that means a lot" She looked up at a clock mounted on the wall. "Well, we should get going.” Sam put the book away before going over to Josh and gently putting her hand on his arm.

“Of course. Drive safely. And I’ll see you again, Josh, same time next week.” Dr. Hill followed them to the door and waved them goodbye before retreating back into his home. Josh was heading over to the drivers side, but Sam stopped him.

“Hey, do you want me to drive? You just… seem a little…” She struggled to find a nice word, but Josh started laughing before she could. Except the sound of his laughter sounded more broken than anything.

“Overwhelmed? Unstable? How about damaged? Do any of those work for you?” He looked so distraught, as though he was going to break down again. Sam pulled him in for a hug. She could feel Josh placing his head on her shoulder and that his breathing was becoming uneven.

“No… that’s not it. You just seem upset. Josh, I want to get you home safely.” She rubbed his back as he tried to control his breathing. It wasn’t long before he pulled away from her.

“Can… can we just leave this place? It’s bad enough I have to come back next week…” Josh held out his car keys to Sam. She took them and unlocked the car, allowing Josh to enter the passenger seat, and her the drivers seat.

They were both quiet as they pulled out of Dr. Hill’s driveway, but Josh couldn’t help but feel like Dr. Hill had watched them. Studied them. But maybe he was just losing it…


	2. Normalcy Is Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh forgets he has a third appointment with Dr. Hill. Thankfully, Sam doesn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying so hard to fix my writing style cause I feel like its hnnnnnnnngeugh but BABY STEPS  
> Baby steps is what it takes.

Josh stared at his digital clock.

_9:36am_

He had been awake since six in the morning, spending the past three hours in bed. Thinking, sitting, waiting.

_9:37am_

The room is bathed in a soft orange glow due to the morning sun. Everything seems so surreal, as if this nightmare was only that, a bad dream. Something he could wake up from. But he couldn’t. This nightmare was all too real. He wished it wasn’t. He wished everything was fine, normal, like the sun that continued to rise and fall everyday.

Gentle rays of light that danced across his walls were distracting to watch, but he couldn’t bring himself to get up and close the curtains. He didn’t have the energy.

_9:38am_

With his parent’s early departure for work, the house had fallen into an eerie silence. Silence that wouldn’t exist if Hannah and Beth were still around. He smiled at the memory of his sisters morning routine. 

At exactly 6:30am every day, he would hear Beth and Hannah arguing over who got the shower first, only to come to an agreement after a few short moments, and then the sound of running water would start. By 6:50, he would hear them walking around the hallway, going back and forth from their rooms to the bathroom, getting ready for the day. And without fail, everyday at 7:00, he would hear the two of his sisters outside his door, debating who should be the one to wake him. 

Hannah was always so gentle when waking him up. She would lightly shake his shoulders while whispering his name. Beth on the other hand... She would jump on him, yelling for him to get off his lazy ass. God... how he use to hate that.

Josh felt the sting of tears as he realized he’d do anything to have those mornings again.

_9:39am_

Josh continued to stare at the clock. At the flashing red dots that signaled every second in a minute. Time use to fly by for him, barely giving him enough hours in a day to do everything he wanted. Barely enough days in the week for him to finish projects. But now, every second felt like minutes, and minutes felt like hours. He had too much time to think. 

_9:40am_

The alarm barely got to ring before Josh was turning it off. He was not eager to hear the high shrilling shriek of a bell ringing in his ears. Turning over onto his other side, Josh squinted to see pass the sunlight that was floating in through his window.

Today was going to be a nice day, he could already tell. Warm weather with the occasional breeze, that’s what he had heard. Beth and Hannah would have used this day to practice tennis. They might have even went for a walk with friends, not wanting to let such a beautiful day go to waste.

He wished he felt the same.

The sound of his phone ringing brought Josh out of his thoughts. Reaching under his pillow, he brought his phone out and used it to block the sun as he checked the caller ID.

_Sammy_

Why would she be calling this early? Usually when she called to check on him, it was around noon.

Josh stared at Sam’s contact name until the ringing stopped. It was too early for a pity party. Way too early. He was about to put the phone back under his pillow when he caught sight of what day it was on his phone.

Tuesday.

That would explain why Sam was calling him, he had another appointment with Dr. Hill today. Josh stared at the ceiling and thought about the doctor. Today would be his third time going to Dr. Hill. The first time he went with Sam, it turned out to be awful. The doctor wasn’t shy about getting right into the deaths of Hannah and Beth, and how it made him feel. After that, Josh didn’t talk to anyone for a few days, and it took both of his parents to take him to the second appointment. He could still remember what Dr. Hill said when he showed up with his parents.

_“Hello, Josh, I’m glad you could make it today. I see your friend isn’t with you. How is she?”  
_

_“She’s fine.”_

Josh didn’t know why he was so interested in Sam. He was probably surprised that such a wonderful girl would hang out with such a screwed up guy. To be honest, Josh was surprised too.

Suddenly, the sound of the doorbell ringing could be heard from downstairs. Josh groaned and flopped over so he could bury his head in his pillow. There was no way he was going to deal with someone trying to sell their shitty product to him at this hour and in this state. If it was girl scouts selling cookies, maybe he would go answer the door, but he didn’t think girl scouts were selling cookies at this time. After awhile, Josh decided that the person must have left, until the doorbell started ringing consistently.

“Oh my fucking God...” Josh threw off his blankets and got out of bed to answer the door. Whoever was at the door would receive a very rude welcome.

As he made his way to the stairs, Josh couldn’t help but look towards Beth and Hannah’s bedroom doors. After the search team was called off, Josh’s parents had closed their rooms. They had said it “reminded them of their loss” by seeing the empty rooms. Honestly, everything reminded Josh of their loss, but with the doors closed, it almost felt like he could trick himself into thinking that they were just busy studying, or having girl talk. Anything but the harsh truth.

Josh turned his attention back towards answering the door when he felt tears trying to build up.

The doorbell was  _STILL_  ringing as he approached the door.

“I’m coming! I’m coming! Get your fucking trigger finger off the goddamn bell!” Josh whipped the door open to see Sam standing on his porch. She was smiling, but looked equally nervous.

“Thank God, you finally answered. I was getting ready to break in.” He noticed that her eyes glanced down at his chest before quickly glancing back up with a blush appearing on her cheeks and the tips of her ears. Looking down, Josh noticed that he forgot to put a shirt on.

“When you say ‘break in’, do you actually mean ‘find the spare key that we keep for emergencies’?” Josh leaned against the doorway and smiled at her, only to see that blush deepen. It was always so easy to tease her.

“Hardy har. Maybe I should have crashed through your window and scared the shit out of you. See how you like that.” She pushed past him and made her way over to the living room so she could sit down. Josh closed the door and locked it before following after her.

Sam was looking at a picture of Josh, Beth, and Hannah that she had taken of the end table. Josh knew that that was the picture that their parents took when they went on a cruise to the Caribbean. That was when Hannah first told him that she had a crush on Mike.

_“Josh, you promise not to laugh?” He was already laughing as he cornered Hannah into a section of their shared room. He and Beth had gone down to get food and when they came back, Josh had seen Hannah on his phone. He didn’t have anything on there that was a secret, but he still wanted to know what she was doing.  
_

_“I promise, I promise. Now, what are you looking at?” He had seen the shy smile on her face as she turned the phone towards him. It was a picture of him and Mike at their school field day. They both had their school colors painted on their cheeks and shit eating grins to match. Except, he was cropped out of it at the moment and it was just Mike.  
_

_“I... I was just sending it to a friend. Cause they didn’t know who Mike was.” Beth came over and took Josh’s phone from her.  
_

_“Nooo. She was sending it to herself cause she looooooves Mike.” Josh fell onto his bed laughing as Hannah protested and tried to take the phone back from Beth.  
_

_“I do not! He’s just... a really cool guy.” Hannah was looking down at the picture with infatuation, like it was the best photo ever. Beth and Josh couldn’t stop laughing, but they eventually calmed down and Josh got his phone back. Only after Hannah had sent the picture to herself.  
_

_“Josh, you won’t tell Mike, right?” Hannah looked so scared, as though that was the wort thing that he could ever do to her. Josh ruffled her hair, effectively messing it up and causing her to protest.  
_

_“Of course. I’ll let you get with Mike on your own.”_

Josh wish he had steered her away from that guy.

“You should get ready for your appointment.” Sam put the picture back down and looked up at him. He checked the wall clock and noticed it was still only 9:53 in the morning. He didn’t have to go to Dr. Hill until 1 in the afternoon.

“Why are you so anxious to get me out of here? I have plenty of time. And why are you here anyways? Not that I don’t mind your company.” Josh went to the kitchen to get a bowl of cereal, since he hadn’t eaten since yesterday evening. 

“Well... I thought maybe you’d like to get out of the house and grab breakfast before going to your appointment. It’s better than eating dry cereal.” Sam was looking at him knowingly as he reached for a bowl. Slowly, Josh pulled his hand back.

“That depends... where would we be going for breakfast?” He spoke slowly and smiled at her, already knowing what she was going to suggest.

“Uhhh... Obviously we’d be going to Matt’s Kitchen. Where the hell else?” She was smiling back at him, and for a moment, Josh felt like things were... normal. He was... happy, with Sam. He felt like he could take a second to just breathe.

“You’re damn right we’re going to Matt’s Kitchen. Let me go get ready.” Josh went towards the stairs but a hand grabbing a piece of his hair and pulling caused him to grunt in pain and turn around. “What?” He rubbed his head where Sam pulled his precious hair follicles out of place.

“I hope you’re going to take a shower, cause you smell awful.” To make a point, Sam held her nose and made a face at him. Josh held his arm up to smell himself and he laughed as he heard Sam fake gag in disgust.

“Sure, i’ll shower for you if my manly musk really bothers you.” He started to head up the stairs and listened as Sam called up to him.

“Make sure you get behind your ears!” He looked over the railing down at her.

“Of course, Sam, of course. Do you wanna join me and help clean my back too?” Sam stuck her tongue out and Josh stuck his out in retaliation. As he turned back towards the hallway, Josh caught sight of Hannah and Beth’s bedroom doors again. He wanted to open the doors, to go in and see his sisters reading or drawing. He wanted to see if things really were normal again.

Josh caught himself just as his hand was on Hannah’s doorknob, and quickly pulled away.

“This isn’t normal... It’ll never be normal...” As he stared at the dark wood, the sound of classical music playing quietly over the stereo system downstairs reminded him that Sam was here. She was here for him.

Maybe in time... He could have a new type of normal...

Josh walked away from his sister’s rooms and headed for the shower.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments or helpful criticism is ALWAYS welcomed and appreciated~


	3. Treat Her Like a Rose, Never Let Her Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh and Sam go to Dr. Hill's office and both find out something new.
> 
> (Takes place right after chapter 2)

“Maybe if I vomit on his carpet, he’ll let me go early.” Josh and Sam had left Matt’s Kitchen, both full and content, but also ready to lie down and nap. The warm spring sun didn’t help at all either, as it only made Josh drowsy.

“I don’t think that would be a good idea.” Sam covered her mouth as she yawned. “You... You’ll be ok. It’s just a quick hour session, and then you can go back home into your nest of blankets and pillows.” She had one of her arms out of the window, feeling the wind fly past her fingers, with a lazy smile on her face.

Josh tried to focus on the road, but Sam looked so content that he couldn’t help but stare at her from the corner of his eyes. How did she do it? How did she hold it all together, when he felt like falling apart at every turn? He envied her for that.

“Josh. Red light.” He turned his attention back to the road and stepped on the brake just in time to stop the car from going past the stop point. Sam laughed next to him. “And I thought Jess was a bad driver.”

“Hey, at least I don’t jerk the gas pedal.” Josh glanced over at her, before smiling and hitting the gas pedal quickly to abruptly push the car forward. Sam yelped and grabbed the dashboard.

“Don’t you dare start that shit, Joshua.” Why did he get so much pleasure from teasing her?

“Tell me i’m the best driver  _ever_ , Sammy, and I might spare you from getting whiplash.” He watched as the light turned to green and he let the car shoot forward quickly across the road. Sam tried to yell at him but was laughing too hard.

“Josh, I swear to God-”

“I’m sorry, I can’t hear you Sammy!” Josh let go of the gas pedal but quickly stepped on it again to jerk them forward, causing both of them to laugh as they were pushed towards the dashboard.

“You’re the best fucking driver ever! Now cut this shit out you dick!” Sam was gripping his arm now and tears were forming at the corner of her eyes from laughter. He eased off the gas as they both came down from their little high.

“I always did consider myself a good driver. Thank you for noticing.” He looked over at Sam to continue teasing her, but suddenly, he felt his throat tighten up.

Had Sam’s eyes always been so bright? The sun was hitting them, bringing out every speckle of green that littered the cool blue of her eyes like freckles. The small amount of water that had built up in her eyes also gave the impression that they were shining, almost sparkling when the light flashed over them.

“Josh, why are you slowing down?”

He snapped out of it and noticed that his foot had lifted off the gas pedal. He quickly got back up to the speed limit.

“Sorry. I’m just a little distracted today.” Sam was looking at him with concern. He didn’t want her to worry about him.

“I can see that. Don’t worry, this will be over quickly.”

Whatever this was, he hoped she was right.

* * *

 

Josh could see Dr. Hill sitting out on the porch, glasses perched on his nose, a book in hand, and a glass of what looked like water next to him. He couldn’t help but think that the man reminded him a lot of his own grandfather. Always trying to help people, whether they deserved it or not, and always trying to learn something new.

The new books that always appeared on Dr. Hill’s desk didn’t escape Josh’s notice.

As they got out of the car, the doctor looked up from his reading to wave at them.

“It’s good to see you, Josh. And it’s nice to see you again as well, Samantha.” He waited on the porch as Josh and Sam closed the doors to the car and made their way up to him. They waited as he collected his drink and book before opening the door for them. 

Upon entering, Josh noticed that the doctor’s house looked a little different than it was a week ago. In the center of the living room there was a coffee table, and on top of it was a center candle piece. Around it was spectrum of blue, purple, red, and pink flowers. Looking around, Josh realized that there was actually a large quantity of flowers scattered around the house. The place actually seemed alive and bursting with color, rather than being dreary and monotoned. 

“I love what you’ve done with the place, Dr. Hill. All of these flowers are gorgeous.” Apparently Sam noticed the change as well, as she was admiring a rather large bouquet of roses.

“Thank you. My wife use to love plants, you know. We even had a garden in the backyard that she spent most of her days taking care of. It was absolutely beautiful. Perhaps I’ll dig around for a picture and show it to you.” Dr. Hill led Sam into the sitting room and Josh followed closely behind, trying to examine all the different types of flowers.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know...” Of course Sam would feel bad and take it to heart for not knowing that a stranger’s wife had passed. She had always been so caring. 

“It’s alright, Sam. Life was difficult for her, since she had schizophrenia, but that never stopped her from getting help and trying her best to live a happy life. It’s because of her that I got into this line of work, to tell you the truth. It makes it easier to go on, knowing that I made life a little more bearable for her, and that’s what I want to do for my clients. I want them to see that they can overcome and prosper.” Josh and Sam watched as he grabbed a binder from one of his many bookshelves and brought it over to set it down on the table.

“Here’s a picture of her in the garden. This was taken in 1997, and it was the first year that the entire garden bloomed. She had been so excited about it, wanted me to tell everyone on the street.” He took the photo out from it’s casing and handed it to Sam, allowing her and Josh to take a closer look at it. 

The girl in the photo looked like she couldn’t be older than 30. She was standing in the middle of a stone pathway that was surrounded with bushes bursting with colorful plant life, hands outstretched and with a face full of so much joy that it was hard to not look at her and smile back. It was as though her joy was radiating through the photo. She looked like a small lady, with shining red hair that barely peeked out from under her white sunhat, and a colorful sundress that flowed around her form.

Sam turned it over to see an elegant handwritten note.

_19th of May, 1997_

_Rose’s garden finally bloomed completely after a few years of tending. I’m glad I could capture the joy on her face. This is all she wants to do with her time. Thank God it’s a success._

_\- Alan_

“Her name was Rose?” Josh looked up from the note to see Dr. Hill fixing the way a particular plant was positioned.

“Yes, it’s funny, I know.” He turned and smiled. “She had always loved plants, even when we were kids. I use to tease her and say that Rose wasn’t her real name, that she just said that because of her obsession with flowers. Later on, I found out that gardening was actually her coping mechanism. But I guess that just shows us that everyone is unique. Some people use physical exercises to cope, some have a hobby...” Dr. Hill glanced over at Sam, who was looking through the different photos in the binder, before looking back at Josh. “and some have people to help them cope.”

Josh tried not to make eye contact with Dr. Hill, so instead he turned his attention to one of the many bouquets that decorated the house.

“You can continue to look through those photos if you’d like, Samantha, but I think it’s time me and Josh here start our session. Would you like any water before we start? Either of you?” Both Josh and Sam replied with no. “Very well, let us go then, Josh.”

* * *

 

“So, how have you been feeling during the past week? Have you thought about your tendency to harbor the feeling that you need to save everyone?” Dr. Hill was watching him from over the top rim of his glasses, pen and clipboard in hand.

“Uhm... A little. I just... haven’t been feeling much in general. Everything seems numb.” He watched as the doctor wrote down a few notes, before looking back up at him.

“And you have been feeling this all week? If so, perhaps we should entertain the thought of creating a coping skill for you to use.”

Josh took a minute to think about the past week. He wasn’t lying when he said that everything had felt numb. But, today had been different.

“I actually felt a little bit better today, to be honest.” Dr. Hill raised his eyebrows.

“Do you know why? Was there something you did that was different than normal?” 

Sam. Sam was different.

“Sam came to get me today. She, in a cruel kind of way, motivated me to get up out of bed. By ringing the doorbell nonstop.” Dr. Hill smiled at that.

“Do you remember what I said out there? Only a few minutes ago?” Josh tried to think of one particular thing, but the doctor had mentioned quite a few.

“No, not really.” 

Dr. Hill pursed his lips. He put down his pen and clipboard and got up out of his seat. Josh watched as he walked over to another small desk in the corner of the room and grabbed a framed photo off of it. When he came back, he handed it to Josh.

“Now, Josh, tell me what you see.” Dr. Hill crossed his legs as he waited patiently. Josh turned the photo over, and saw a younger Dr. Hill holding hands with Rose in a giant field. The field was filled with an array of flowers, but most of them were white, allowing the few colored plants to really pop out in the background. Rose looked older than she did in the other photo he had seen, but still looked full of life. She was wearing a short, yet lovely white dress, and her hair was up in a bun. In the photo, Dr. Hill was wearing black dress pants, and a white dress shirt that was tucked in. Josh looked up from the picture.

“It’s you and your wife. Why are you showing me this?” Dr. Hill graciously took the photo back when Josh handed it to him, and he placed it on the table next to his lamp.

“I never knew it, Josh, but Rose, in many ways, was my way of coping. As I was hers. We never think about our relationship with people, until they are gone. As I’m sure you are aware.” Josh instantly thought of his sisters, and how he missed their morning routine. “But, there will be people who come into our lives who we soon realize mean the world to us. It is those people who help us through the dark, Josh. Because it is so incredibly nice when someone notices your absence. And I think you have already found someone like that.”

Josh stared up at Dr. Hill. “Who?”

He smiled as he wiped some imaginary dust off his photo of him and Rose. “The person who is sitting right outside this room. The same person who makes you feel alive. You said it yourself, everything was numb until she came to get you.” 

“Yeah, but... I don’t deserve her help. I’ve never been there for her.” Josh turned his head to look out the window instead of at Dr. Hill. Outside he could see a tree beginning to bloom with rich red and orange leaves.

“I don’t know Sam personally, but I’d bet that you already help her, by simply being there whenever she comes around. Josh, do you really think Sam would be ok if you weren’t here? You told me that Hannah was her best friend. She needs someone who will understand her, and that’s you. As far as you’ve told me, no one else in your group was as close to your sisters as she was. You two, whether you believe it or not, have some kind of connection. And that connection sprouts from Hannah and Beth. It might not be a good reason, but it’s still the truth.”

Besides Chris, Sam really did understand him. Especially when it came to his sisters.

“I don’t... I don’t want to depend on Sam to get through this. She doesn’t deserve to be dragged down by me.” Dr. Hill nodded in understanding.

“Of course. No one wants to depend on anyone for the rest of their life. But I think for the moment, you two could really help each other. More than you already have. Don’t be afraid to reach out for her, Josh. Because she might just be too afraid to reach out to you. She cares about others. Maybe even a little more than herself.” Josh was about to ask him a question when Dr. Hill looked down at his watch. “Ah, it would seem that our time is up. I think it would be good for you to think over what we talked about today, and next week when we meet again, we can talk about your findings.”

Josh followed Dr. Hill out of the office, and they made their way to the sitting room. Sam was on the couch, cross-legged, still looking through old photos that belonged to Dr. Hill. She looked up when they entered and smiled at Josh.

“Hey, how you feeling?”

Dr. Hill turned to smile at him, Josh tried not to notice.

“I’m feeling better.”

Her smile filled him with so much joy. Maybe even more than the picture of Rose did.

“That’s wonderful! So, are you ready to head back home to your nest of blankets and pillows?”

Maybe Dr. Hill was right.

“Sure. Thanks again doc.”

Maybe she was that someone who could help him through this hell.

“Anytime, Josh. Anytime.”

Maybe he felt a connection to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Constructive criticism is ALWAYS appreciated. As are comments on what you think of the story so far.


	4. A Moment in the Sun, With Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After his last appointment, Josh is eager to go back to Dr. Hill's office. Where he learns a thing or two about love, and Love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Looook who is still trash~
> 
> I actually have 8 pages written for another chapter that is finished, but I felt like they wouldn't fit right after chapter 3, so I ended up writing an entire new chapter to help with the transition.

After his previous meeting, Josh didn’t feel as anxious to go to Dr. Hill’s office. The doctor had shared a part of his life with Josh and Sam that he didn’t have to, and Josh felt oddly touched by that.

The ride to Dr. Hill’s house was still too quiet for his liking though. Sam had gone away on a climbing trip and wouldn’t be back until Friday, so Josh had to find ways to keep himself occupied while she was busy to keep from falling into a deeper depression.

Sam wasn’t there to tease him about his driving, or to distract him from his thoughts. She wasn’t even there to simply reflect the stunning beauty of the day through her own personality.

Maybe it was for the best. It gave him time to think about what Dr. Hill had said at their last meeting, and it gave him time to reflect on how Sam had helped him in the past few months. Usually those thoughts wouldn’t come to Josh until late at night, as he laid in bed, waiting for sleep to overcome him.

Dr. Hill might be able to help him understand this situation better.

* * *

 

As he pulled into the driveway, Josh couldn’t help but admire all of the different trees in Dr. Hill’s yard that were in full bloom. They gave the house a secluded feel to it, like it was shielded from prying eyes. He never thought it would be possible, but Josh was eager to get out of the car and to start his session. This was the first doctor that didn’t make him feel like he was broken, didn’t make him feel like he was something that could or couldn’t be fixed.

Dr. Hill treated him like a person. Like he was worth something.

Josh made it up the front steps in three strides, stepping over every other foot hold to move faster. He didn’t have to wait long after ringing the bell for the doctor to answer the door.

“Ah! Hello, Joshua. You’re looking well today.” He held the door open for Josh to enter the house. Flowers were still littered around the interior, but it looked like a few had been added and a few had been taken out.

“Yeah, i’ve been feeling a little better lately. I’m still having a hard time at home though. But Sam and my buddy Chris have been getting me out of the house.” Dr. Hill smiled and patted Josh on the shoulder as he passed by.

“That’s wonderful! Now, before we continue, would you like to have this session outside today? I thought I’d give you that option since it’s so nice out. But if you would rather go into the office as usual that would be perfectly fine.” They were standing in the middle of the hallway, and down the hall Josh could see a sliding glass door that most likely led to the backyard. Sunlight was streaming through and to Josh’s surprise, a small furry ball was lying directly in the sun, soaking up the warmth. He turned back to Dr. Hill.

“Sure, we can go outside. I probably need to catch up on my daily vitamin D anyways.” Dr. Hill nodded and led Josh towards the glass door. As they approached it, the fur ball that was sunbathing turned over to look up at the two men who had disturbed it’s slumber. Josh quickly realized that the fur ball was actually a small dog, but it still looked as old as Dr. Hill.

“Ok, time for you to move now, Love. Our guest here needs to get outside.” The dog made a soft groaning sound as it rolled onto it’s stomach and pushed itself up onto it’s legs. Josh smiled when it came to sit on top of his feet. Dr. Hill frowned at the dog. “I’m so sorry about her, Josh. She always was a quirky therapy dog.”

“No, it’s fine.” Josh reached down to pick her up, but stopped and looked up at Dr. Hill. “May I?”

“Of course! Love loves to be... loved.” Dr. Hill looked up into space with a quizzical look on his face. “Anyways, make yourself comfortable at that table under the cherry tree. I’m going to go grab myself a beverage. Is lemonade alright? Or would you prefer water?” 

Josh held the dog close to his chest and walked through the door that Dr. Hill had held open for him. “Lemonade sounds pretty good right now. Thank you.” As the doctor closed the door to head back into the house, Josh walked over to his designated area with the small bundle of fur in his arms. He looked down at the old dog. “What a funny name. Love. I bet there is one hell of a story behind how you got that, ain’t there?” Love only looked up at him with her eyes slightly closed and tongue barely poking out of her mouth.

The sound of a door sliding open and closed caught Josh’s attention and he looked up to see Dr. Hill coming out with two glasses of lemonade. He accepted his glass graciously and took a small sip before putting it down on the table. 

“So, is there anything you’d like to address in particular today?” The doctor crossed his leg over the other and stared out into the yard as Josh went through his thoughts. 

He had a lot of things he wanted to talk about... He wanted to talk about Sam. About Hannah and Beth. About how he believed Hannah and Beth’s death was his fault. 

He wanted to talk about that night.

“That night... on the mountain...” Dr. Hill returned his focus to Josh. “I told you before that Hannah and Beth had left the lodge due to a prank. I just... Why did they do it? Why did they do that to my sister? Why did she run into the storm?” He didn’t realize it, but he was holding Love closer to him now, and he had begun to run his fingers through her short and soft fur.

“I do not know your friends personally, Josh. I cannot tell you why they did what they did to your sister. But I can try to help you come to terms with it.” The doctor reached for his drink and took a quick sip.

“I don’t want to come to terms with it though. They don’t deserve my forgiveness. I lost my fucking sisters because they just wanted a good laugh.” He was getting worked up, he could feel it. The feeling of Love slowly and gently licking his bare arm caused Josh to take a deep breath and to keep petting her.

“I never said you had to forgive them. Moving past someone’s mistakes is much different than that. We are all humans, Josh. We all make mistakes. Their prank was cruel, but they did not intend for your sisters to die. Have you contacted anyone who was involved with the prank? Communicated with them?”

“No. The last time I saw them was at my sisters’s funeral. I kept my distance from all of them.” Dr. Hill nodded in understanding, before getting up out of his seat.

“Why don’t we take a quick walk in the garden? I’m not seeing anyone else today, and I think it would be good for you.” Josh stared up at him warily, but got up anyways and followed the doctor into the beautiful labyrinth of gloriously colored floral.

“I don’t see how this will help...” Josh watched as Dr. Hill pulled off a string of dead leaves from one of the bushes.

“Perhaps it won’t help. But perhaps it will.” He continued down the walkway and Josh kept close behind him, Love still in his arms. “Were your sisters vengeful people, Josh?”

Josh thought back to the time in highschool when one of the senior girls had dumped a carton of milk on Beth’s head for talking to her boyfriend. He had expected her to fight back, but instead she had laughed. Laughed so hard that Hannah and he couldn’t help but join in. The entire cafeteria had stared at them for that, but it didn’t matter, because they were so happy, despite the circumstances. Later he had found out that Beth wasn’t mad at the girl because the tactic she had used was pulled straight out of a bad teen movie. They never were able to look at that chick again without laughing after that day.

Hannah was... similar, but in her own way. She never wanted to get back at people for hurting her, she only wished they didn’t hurt her to begin with. 

Josh watched as a butterfly fluttered by and landed on a nearby flower petal. It was a light yellowish color, and it made him think of his sister’s own butterfly tattoo. It also made him think of those old indian tales that their grandparents would tell them about the magical powers that butterflies had. He wasn’t sure if he was right, but Josh vaguely remembered yellow butterflies meaning guidance.

But that’s why he paid for therapy.

“No. They always forgave people. It was as though they believed everyone was good inside.” The garden opened up into a large circle and in the center was a giant oak tree. Josh felt like he had entered a new world.

“I’m guessing you don’t share this feeling?” Dr. Hill was standing under the shade of the giant tree, looking up into the leaves that let sunlight twinkle through like small particles of dust.

“I’ve never been given a reason to believe that everyone was good deep down. I couldn’t even trust my old doctor...” Josh kneeled down to let the dog down, but Love resisted the action and struggled to stay in his arms. He smiled and sat down on the stone pathway, cross-legged so she could curl up in his legs. 

“Right. I had been informed of your previous experience with that doctor. Of the medicine she put you on.” Dr. Hill sat down on a bench that wrapped around the trunk of the oak tree.

“Were you also informed about my trip to the hospital because of that bitch?” Josh kept his hands from tightening, since he was currently stroking Love’s ears.

“I was. After reading your medical history, and after the story of that woman, I wasn’t really surprised when you showed signs of distrust towards me. Would you say that she is part of the reason you hold such harsh feelings towards yourself? Her means of therapy were rather... unethical.” Josh laughed out of bitterness.

“She told me I was broken. That the only way I could be normal was if I took the pills she prescribed. But they just made me feel worse.” Love let out a yawn and nuzzled into the nook of his knee. “I would wake up in the middle of the night, sick as shit. I could barely function...”

“And eventually your body reacted badly to the drugs.” Dr. Hill was watching him interact with the small dog.

“Yeah... really bad.” 

Both men sat in silence for a moment, just letting the words they had said settle. Josh took the time to look around the garden. It was as beautiful as it had been in the photo. He wished Sam was here to see it. Maybe next time she came along he would ask Dr. Hill for a tour. But for the moment, he allowed himself to admire the array of colors.

“You have a sense that you’re not good enough, don’t you Josh? Even before the accident with Hannah and Beth, you struggled to find self worth because that woman told you that you had none. But when you couldn’t save your sisters, that’s what tipped the scale.” Dr. Hill hit the nail perfectly, and Josh felt that nail pierce his throat. He fixed his gaze on Love, trying to keep the emotions from showing on his face. But Dr. Hill knew, how could he not? Josh didn’t notice the doctor coming over to him, but when he placed his hand on his shoulder, Josh turned to look up at him.

“Josh, you are worth more than your mistakes. They only define you if you let them rule you. But this... this isn’t something you need to learn from. What happened on that mountain is not something you can fix. It is not something you need to fix in yourself. Rather, you need to learn from the people who were around you. Your friends who played that prank on Hannah? They made a mistake, but that is their own problem. That is something that they themselves will have to work through. But you? You did nothing wrong. Your sisters loved you, Josh. It’s time you begin the process of learning to love yourself. Because you are worth more than the mistakes of a few teenagers.” Dr. Hill held tightly onto Josh’s shoulder as he cried. 

“I don’t... I don’t know if I can face them.” His voice was hitching from the sobs that raked through his body, but Dr. HIll kept a firm hold on him.

“It will take time. But one day, you will be able to face your demons. You will be able to face them and still stand tall.” Dr. Hill helped Josh up off the ground. “I want you to remember this, Josh. When someone does something awful that hurts you, it’s because there is something wrong with them, not you. Good people do not go out of their way to hurt others. But that doesn’t mean good people can’t hurt the ones they love on accident. You didn’t abandon your sisters. The situation was beyond your control. And it’s time you begin to realize that it was not your fault.”

Josh kept his eyes fixed on the ground, holding Love close to his chest. Feeling her little heartbeat next to his helped to calm his breathing. For that, he was grateful. Dr. Hill silently led them back through the foliaged filled maze towards the house.

In the middle of the pathway, Josh stopped.

‘Dr. Hill... Do you really believe I’ll be able to go back to living what little of a normal life I had?” Dr. Hill turned to look at Josh, and gave him a gentle smile.

“Josh, just living isn’t enough. You need to experience. And to do so, one needs sunshine, freedom, and maybe even a little flower in their life to truly live.” The doctor turned back towards the house, with Josh following behind. 

When they got inside and closed the door, Josh put Love back down on the ground and watched her waddle back over to her spot in the sunlight. 

“Doc... I wanted to ask you, where did you get Love’s name? It’s just so unusual.” Dr. Hill laughed as he knelt down to pat the small dogs head.

“My wife actually named her. With schizophrenia, her mental state deteriorated faster than most people. Towards the end of her life, her medication wasn’t working as well as it had, and she had begun to go senile. Good days became a rarity, and bad days were turning into horrible days. One of my colleagues suggested a therapy dog as a last resort, and at that time, I would have done anything to help Rose. So I got Love. Of course, her name was originally Lucy, but when my wife saw her, she was having one of her bad days, and when she held Love... that’s all she would say. Love. Love. Love. Eventually that’s what she would respond to. I never had the heart to try and retrain her into her original name, it would feel like erasing part of my wife’s memory, and the clients love it, so that’s a bonus.”

“Wow... Rose really made a big impact on your life, didn’t she?” Josh was standing at the front door, getting ready to leave. Dr. Hill happily sighed towards the ceiling.

“She was the best thing that ever happened to me. I couldn’t tell you the number of people who told me to leave her, since she had a mental disorder. They said she would hold me down. But I think it was her who helped me. I was depressed, I felt alone, but she was always there for me, even though she was fighting a bigger battle. In the end though, we made each other happy, like no one else could. We would laugh so much, and so hard, that sometimes... I think we both kind of forgot the scars that we held in our hearts from the past.” Dr. Hill opened the door for Josh and walked him out to the end of his porch. “One day, you’ll also laugh until the pain of the past simmers down into something that doesn’t hurt to acknowledge. That’s when you’ll know that you made it.”

Josh couldn’t help but think of Dr. Hill and his wife, sitting in their garden, with Love in between them, smiling and talking about all the different flowers that were beginning to bloom. He hoped Dr. Hill was right. He hoped he could experience something like that one day, when this nightmare had finally diminished. Josh held his hand out to Dr. Hill. They shared a firm handshake and Josh smiled at him.

“Thank you again. Today was... really eye opening. I’ll have a lot to work on and think about for the next week.”

“Of course, but don’t let it overwhelm you. And maybe next week, if it’s a nice day and Sam is with you, we can show her the garden. Do you think she would like that?” 

“She would love that.” Josh could already imagine the joy on her face when she sees the garden. And she would absolutely adore Love. “Well, I’ll see you next week then, doc.” Josh opened the door to his car and Dr. Hill waved him goodbye.

As he pulled out of the driveway, Josh took another moment to admire the house. The trees that surrounded it were truly beautiful, as was the garden that lay in secret just behind that brick structure. Hannah also would have loved it. And Beth would have asked Dr. Hill thousands of questions about psychology.

Thinking about how Hannah would gush over the floral gardens, and Beth pestering the old man about his line of work, Josh realized it didn’t hurt as much to think about his sisters at that moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is nothing that anyone can say or do to stop me from imagining Dr. Hill and his wife as the kind of couple who would slowly sway to the music of Frank Sinatra on their anniversary, rather than going out for dinner.
> 
> Constructive criticism is ALWAYS welcomed and appreciated, as are your thought on the story so far.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	5. Scars of the Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh gets a visit from the woman who had once hurt him before. This time, she planned to finish what she started.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a bit of a struggle to write, since I have personal experience with a therapist who honestly... made me feel like dying. Of course, she wasn't nearly as bad as what I wrote here, but it was still a trip down memory lane.
> 
> I hope you enjoy my amateur angst!

Dr. Williams had her back towards Josh, instead choosing to look out the small window, the only window, that was in her tiny office. Moonlight was flittering through and casted an eerie glow on the frail woman’s body. 

She was in her usual business suit, as perm pressed as it had ever been, and it only succeeded in making her look taller, less approachable.

Josh squirmed in his seat, uncomfortable in the tight office. He wanted to leave. He didn’t want to be in there with that woman any longer. Without giving it another thought, Josh got out of his seat and ran for the door. When he got to it, he jiggled the doorknob, but it didn’t give way.

It was locked. Why was it locked? Was she trying to keep someone out?

Or was she trying to keep him in?

Josh turned and almost jumped out of his skin when he saw Dr. Williams standing so close to him.

“Joshua, take a seat. There are many things I want to talk about today.” He watched as Dr. Williams calmly walked over to her desk and sat down. She folded her hands on top of her desk and stared blankly back at him, waiting for him to comply with her orders. 

Josh didn’t want to do that. She was going to yell at him. Tell him that he was a failure. He didn’t want to hear it. He wanted to go back to Dr. Hill. Josh turned to try opening the door again, but the doorknob was gone. Why was it gone?

The sound of Dr. Williams chuckling only made Josh want to scream. He hated that sound. It sounded so condescending. He turned to glare at her.

“Don’t give me that look, Joshua. Now come sit down. I have a new exercise for you.” 

_He just had to play along with the game._

Josh walked back over to his seat and sat down.

_That was the easiest way out._

Dr. Williams smiled at him, but the moonlight highlighted her sharp cheekbones and sunken eyes, making her look more dead and terrifying than before.

He watched as she opened one of the desk draws and rummaged around a bit before pulling out a photo.

“I want you to look at this picture, and afterwards I want you to tell me how it makes you feel. This will only help you if you’re honest.” She slid the photo across the table, face down, towards Josh. “I’m sure you’ll have a lot to say about it.”

Glancing down at the photo, Josh could tell that it was old. The white paper back had a yellowish tint to it, hinting at years of collecting dust and being held by many people. The corners were starting to pull apart and had been folded in odd directions as well. 

When he flipped the photo over, Josh instantly felt bile rising in his throat. He covered his mouth and slammed the photo back down on the table, looking away as tears stung the corners of his eyes.

“Joshua... Look. At. The. Picture.” Dr. Williams was glaring at him, obviously angered at his disobedience. Josh wanted to leave. He had to leave.

“Please... don’t make me look at it...” Josh flinched as Dr. Williams slammed her hands on the desk, causing an echo to ring out in the small office, and leaned across the desk towards Josh. Her face was only mere inches from his own now.

“It’s time to face it, Josh!” She ripped the photo off the table and held it in front of his face. “What do you see?!” Dr. Williams was yelling at him now.

Josh kept his head turned, not wanting to see what he had nightmares about, but she grabbed his face with her free hand and forced his face forward to stare at the lifeless faces of his sisters.

“Please...stop...” He couldn’t stop himself from crying. Hannah and Beth... they were staring straight into his soul, wide eyed and bloody, lying in a dark ditch, slowly being covered by what looked like falling snow. “Why are you doing this to me?” The doctor let go of his face and put the picture down.

“You can close your eyes to everything you don’t want to see, Joshua. But deep down, you know whats real. You know what you did.” Josh put his head in his hands, shaking violently.

“No... No! It wasn’t me! It wasn’t my fault!” Dr. Williams stood up straight, smiling down at the broken boy in front of her.

“Who did it then? Mike?” Her voice changed, it got deeper, but also began to turn into a shrill shriek. Almost possessed sounding.

Josh looked up to meet the doctors gaze, but cried out at the milky white orbs that bore into his soul. The doctor’s limbs had begun to grown in length, pulling her skin taught against her bones. She was hunched over, skin greying, hair falling out, and face stretching, but with her mouth wide opened in a grin. Josh scrambled out of his seat to get away.

“Can you live with what you’ve done, Josh? Can you survive knowing what your sisters had to go through? What they had to become?” The monstrous form of Dr. Williams threw her desk across the room, shattering the computer and lamp that had been on top of it, bathing the room in darkness, apart from the small amount of moonlight that came through the window.

Josh ran for the door again and struggled to open it, going as far as to dig his fingernails into the wood and scratching until his fingertips bled. A high pitch shriek behind him cause Josh to turn around, and he froze in fear.

Dr. Williams, or what to use to be Dr. Williams, was crawling on the walls with spider-like movement, staring in his direction.

“ _Joooosh_?” She sung out his name in a demented, broken voice. “I can’t  _seeee_  you when you’re not moving. Why don’t you show yourself to me? And face what you’ve fucking created.” She was screeching now, moving around and breaking anything in her path. Jost struggled to stay still.

“Does it scare you, Josh? Seeing what became of your sisters, thanks to your own selfish behavior?” She was scanning the room. Looking for him. Josh couldn’t stop the sob that raked through his body, and instantly the creature whipped her head towards him and smiled. He dropped to the floor and brought his knees up to his chest and cried as he rocked back and forth.

“I didn’t do it. I didn’t do it.” Josh sobbed the mantra over and over again as the monster stalked towards him, the moonlight shining against the monster’s disfigured and grotesque limbs.

“They waited for you, and you let them down. You let everyone down, Josh. Even Sam.” Dr. Williams was directly in front of him now, her elongated fingers coming up to wrap around his head.

“You... you aren’t real... You aren’t real!” Josh screamed at her, tears streaming down his face. He could feel her hold on his head tightening.

“You can wake up, Josh, but this still isn’t just a dream. No... this is your new reality.” Dr. Williams’ grip kept getting tighter, causing him to yell out in agony. It felt like his skull was closing in, like she was about to pop his head at any moment, allowing his brains to spill out onto the floor. “Sam can’t save you this time...”

“NO!” Josh shot up in his bed, drenched in sweat. He frantically scanned the dark expanse of his room with wide eyes, looking for any signs of the twisted form of Dr. Williams. Josh still reached under his pillow for his phone and quickly turned the flashlight on so he could double check every corner. Only then did he take a deep breath.

“It... It was just a dream... Just a dream...” Josh put his phone back under his pillow and laid his head back down.

_It was just a dream..._

He turned onto his other side to see a picture of him and his sisters at Disneyland that was resting on his end table. Squinting his eyes to see through the fog of darkness, Josh felt his heart stop.

Hannah’s eyes were a milky white in the photo.

Josh rubbed his tear stained eyes before looking back at the picture.

Her eyes were back to their usual brown, but he still felt unsafe. Josh curled up in his bed, gripping the sheets tightly as he cried.

_It was just a dream._

_It was just a dream..._

He tried to not think about the box in the closet that held a razor as he slipped into numbness.

_It wasn’t real..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I know this chapter is shorter than the others, but horror, angst, and stuff of that nature has never really been my strong suit. Also, sorry if the short sentences were really bothersome... an old English teacher of mine once told me that short sentences created tension or whatever.
> 
> SO YEAH. Constructive criticism os always welcomed and appreciated, as are comments about what you think of the chapter.
> 
> (As a final note, I feel like I'm at a writers block, but also not? I don't know, i'm having a hard time so the next chapter might not come out as quickly as these ones have. Thank you in advanced for understanding)


	6. These Voices Won't Leave Me Alone...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh hangs out with Chris, hoping that it will help after last nights nightmare.
> 
> But Dr. Williams isn't done with him yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLY SHIT I'M STILL ALIVE.
> 
> Thank you everyone for being patient with me, I had a really hard time getting through this short ass chapter because of CHRIS AND HIS DIALOGUE. I can't speak nerd D: 
> 
> So yeah, trigger warnings for suicide and mentions of self harm so yeah take care of yourselves please.
> 
> (Also, thanks Halsey for the song 'gasoline' cause that is literally Josh's song)

Josh fiddled with the lid of his coffee, a regular vanilla with extra sugar. A boring flavor, but he bought it for holding rather than drinking. He hated it when his hands got cold. He hated the cold... 

Glancing around the cafe, Josh took a moment to observe the people who lingered inside.

There was rather tall girl sitting at one of the center tables, dark skinned and with hair so curly, and so pink, that Josh wondered if it was hard to brush through. (Hannah had difficulties with her own hair, and her hair was straight and flat.) The girl had a book on the table, and her hands were crossed on the smooth wooden surface of said table so she could rest her chin on them, completely immersed in whatever adventure she was reading about. The bustle of the cafe didn’t seem to intrude on her personal bubble.

On the opposite side of the cafe to Josh, there was a man reading the newspaper. He was dressed simple, with dress pants and shirt, and his hair was slicked back. In one hand, he held a cup of coffee, in the other, an electronic pen for the tablet that he was writing on. The man never seemed to look over at what he was writing, he just kept reading the small printed words on paper. Without missing a beat, he would sip his beverage.

The booth that Josh had picked to sit at was in the corner of a small cafe, with a giant window next to it, allowing him to turn and watch the various shades of people as they walked by, wondering what they were thinking, and what they were dealing with personally.

There had been an elderly couple that walked past earlier, arms hooked together and smiling as though nothing in the world could bring them down. It made Josh think of Dr. Hill and his wife, and what they might have been like when they were younger.

A little girl had skipped by, holding onto her fathers hand as they walked down the sidewalk with a puppy on a leash. The child had been so excited to jump in the small puddles that had formed over night. She was even wearing those bright yellow rain boots. It made Josh smile to see such child-like joy.

Finally, a woman had stopped in front of the window to read the menue that was placed outside. At first, Josh had to look away from her. She was tall and extremely thin, clad in a clean black business suit, and it reminded him of Dr. Williams. But after a few moments, Josh had gotten the feeling that someone was looking at him, so he glanced up and saw the woman staring at him.

She looked concern at first, probably due to the fact that he looked like he hadn’t slept well, along with the scratch marks on his arms, but after they made eye contact, she offered him a small smile. Then she waved to him before continuing her route down the sidewalk.

When he thought about it, the young woman shared some physical qualities with his mother. She had a soft face, unlike Dr. Williams’ sharp features, and skin that was either naturally dark, or achieved by tanning. But nonetheless, Josh had felt like her concern for a completely random stranger radiated from every fiber of her being.

Josh wished he had had time to react and wave back at her before she left, but she was gone when he realized what had happened. 

Now, as he stared out the window onto the busy sidewalks, Josh spotted Chris rounding the corner.

When he entered the cafe, Josh waved him over and they shared a smile. The taller boy stopped next to the table.

“Hey man, it’s good to see you outside with the rest of civilization. How does it feel?” Chris was teasing him so Josh pinched his arm.

“I’m doing awesome, and it’s good to see you too. Want to take a seat or are you going to stand there like a freak the entire time?” Chris flicked Josh’s head as payback.

“Stay calm, bro, I’m going to grab some coffee and then I’ll sit.” He began to walk towards the counter but turned around to look back at Josh. “Is that ok with you?”

Josh flipped him off. “That’s fine,  _I guess_.”

As Chris went to get his coffee, Josh went back to observing random things in the cafe. He looked back over at the girl who was reading and he could see that she was wiping her eyes. They looked watery so she must have been crying. Must be a sad book.

The girl closed the book and pulled her bookmark out of it, putting both items into her messenger bag.

Nevermind. Not a sad book. A finished book.

Josh had never cried from reading a book (except for Shilo, Where the Red Fern Grows, or Miley & Me, but how could he not?), but he could understand why someone would. Others got attached to the characters, but he got attached to scenes. Scenes could set the mood, change characters and their morals, could decided if someone lives or dies. That’s what fascinated Josh. Characters in the story were expendable.

Chris came back over with his coffee, taking a seat across from Josh. Josh picked a chunk of styrofoam off his coffee lid.

“Hey, I really am happy that you could make it, and i’m sorry for hitting you up on such short notice. I just wanted to chill.” Chris snorted and had to put his coffee down.

“Naw man, i’m happy to be here, as long as there is no Netflix with this chill.” They both laughed and Josh felt relief flood his body as he realized that it was still so easy to talk to Chris like they use to. “But anyways, did you just call me out for a coffee date, or did you want to talk about something?”

Josh tried to keep the smile on his face, but he knew that Chris could read him. The bags under his eyes, scratches across his arms. None of it could escape Chris.

“Maybe a little of both.” Chris raised his eyebrow at that. “No, but really, I just had a bad night and I remembered you saying that you’d be free this week.” Josh tried to stop himself from recreating the image of his dream, straining to focus on Chris. His skin began to crawl.

“Yeah, my classes are pretty slow for the moment, so i’m not forced to stay inside. It’s kind of nice.” Chris watched as Josh scratched at his skin where there were already abrasions from abuse. He reached out and grabbed Josh’s wrist to stop him from scratching, feeling the dips and hills of scars under his fingertips. “Are you sure you’re ok?”

Josh picked at the skin on his wrist, feeling his bones just underneath the surface. The monster’s bones had practically been it’s skin.

“I just... I had a dream about Dr. Williams last night.” Chris’s face dropped at that. “She was telling me that Hannah and Beth... that their death was my fault. But then she turned into this really fucked up looking creature and I just... it felt so real, Chris.” Josh was shaking now, picking at his skin faster. Chris had to pull Josh’s arm away to stop him from ripping open a new wound.

“Hey, why don’t we get out of here? You look like you could use some fresh air.” Chris got out of the booth and waited for Josh to follow him. When he walked outside, Josh took a deep breath.

“Sorry, Chris. I don’t mean to be a buzz kill.” He shoved his hands into his pockets and started walking down the sidewalk, assuming that Chris would follow him.

“Don’t be sorry about that, bro. It’s gonna take time to move on. But i’ll stick by you.” Chris gave him a gentle pat on the back, and Josh silently welcomed the contact. It kept him... in the moment.

The two boys continued to walk in silence through the city after that. Josh lost in his thoughts and Chris lost in the endless ocean that is the internet. As they walked towards nowhere, a young couple passed by them, laughing. Both Chris and Josh glanced at the happy duo with jealousy. Josh looked over at Chris.

“So... How is Ashley? Have you two done the horizontal tango yet?” He playfully elbowed Chris’s arm, throwing a wink his way. Chris groaned.

“No, I have not done the “horizontal tango” with her,” Chris made air quotes. “and I don’t plan to.”

“Yet.”

“...Maybe. I don’t know dude. She might not even want to do that and I’m happy where our relationship stands right now. I don’t want to screw it up.” Chris stopped walking to look inside a sandwich shop that they were passing. Josh let out a disgruntled noise while pacing in a circle. He wanted to stay focused on their jovial conversation.

“You both like it each other, and you both are crazy about that romantic stuff. I don’t see why you don’t just set up a candle lit dinner under the stars where you two can come together for a kiss because you ‘accidentally’ happened to be eating the same string of spaghetti.” The taller boy turned to smirk at Josh.

“You know... for someone who acts like romance is a disease, you sure do know a lot about it. Also, the candle would totally ruin the sight of the stars.”

“Shut up, it’ because i’m a fucking doctor. It’s my job to know this shit.” Josh glared at Chris when he walked past and patted his shoulder. “And if that’s the case, forget the candles. I remember you telling me that Ashley is a big fan of space.

“Yeah, ok. Anyways, speaking of romance, how’s Sam?” They continued to meander throughout the city.

“Sam? Speaking of romance? What the hell? Why would that make you bring her up?” Anxiety was creeping up on Josh.

“No... no reason.” Chris had a smile on his face that meant there  _was_  a reason. “I just thought you two were getting close.”

Josh tried to not think about it. She was just helping him. That’s what friends do, and Sam is a great friend.

“She just makes sure I go to my therapy appointments.” It felt like Dr. Hill was in the back of his mind scolding him.  _“No! Do I need to make you sit in the garden again with Love?”_

“Oh, well ok. I just thought... Sam made it sound different I guess.” Josh stopped walking.

“Chris, why would you think something was going on between us? What did she say?” She had mentioned him. To Chris. Josh grabbed Chris and pulled him over to the side of the sidewalk so they wouldn’t be in the way of others.

“Well... oh god I hope she doesn’t get mad... I was talking to her before she lost connection on the mountain just to say good luck and things like that and out of nowhere she mentioned you.”

Josh could feel his hands beginning to shake so he pushed them into his pockets.

“What did she say about me?” Chris looked hesitant. “Please, bro, help me out here. My mind is killing me.”

“Ok, ok... She just said that you two had been getting closer and that she really feels comfortable with you. She said that you were the only one who she felt like she could connect with. You make her happy, dude.”

Josh could distinctly hear Dr. Hill in the back of his head saying  _“See? I told you so.”_  Josh could even imagine the smirk that the doctor would be making.

“Josh? You ok?” Chris said as he waved a hand in front of Josh’s face. Josh pushed his hand away.

“Yeah I’m... I’m fine. Great. Swell. Fan-fucking-tastic to be honest.” But his heart was racing, his hands shaking. Did this mean that Sam liked him? Like, like liked him? Or did she just need a really close friend?

“Are you sure you’re ok? Smoke is starting to come out of your ears from thinking too hard.” Chris always knew what was up. Well, except when it came to Ashley.

Josh put a smile on his face to ease his friends worries. “I’m good, man, I’m good. Are you good?” He walked ahead and led Chris down the street towards a better sandwich shop where he could get some food. Chris had to walk faster to catch up to him.

“I am more than good, I am great, bro. I get to see you and Ash. I’m working towards a major doing what I love. College hasn’t been too bad either, yet, and my student loan is only at 25,000$”

Josh scoffed. “ _Only_  25,000$” 

“Hey, it’s better than Emily’s 60,000$ tuition.”

“That is true. Well, I hope your broke ass college self can afford a sandwich cause that’s what I’m on my way to get.” He could see the familiar sign of his favorite sub shop up ahead, and Josh was already ready to get inside and eat.

“For food, I always have money.” Chris said as he followed Josh up to the building. Josh held the door open for his friend.

“I know, Chris. Believe me, I know.”

* * *

 

“So you’re telling me that you took Ash out to see a chick flick, and you didn’t do the cheesy ‘yawns and accidentally places arm around you’?” Josh laughed at Chris’s blushing face, taking joy from his embarrassment.

“Why do you always assume i’m going to do cheesy, and cliche, things? I don’t even act like that.” Chris took a bite of his sub in annoyance.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Josh wiped a stray tear in the corner of his eye. “You totally don’t act like that at all. You’re a total badass.”

“Damn right I am. I’m the badest of the bad. Bad to the bone.” Josh raised his eyebrow and smiled at Chris.

“Bad to the bone, huh?” Chris pointed his finger at Josh.

“Don’t even say it.”

“I gotta say it.”

“I swear to God, Josh.” Josh smirked and raised his hands in surrender.

“Ok, I won’t say it.” Chris sighed in relief.

“Thank God...”

“Take her to the bone zone, Cochise!” Josh laughed as Chris threw some of his fries at him. He ate them as Chris flipped him off.

“You’re fucking crazy, you know that?” Despite how he acted, Chris was smiling too now.

“Oh boy, do I. Dr. Hill reminds me all the time.”

“I thought you said he was chill?” Chris took a sip of his drink, pushing the straw further down and causing it to make that annoying shrieking noise.

“He is, totally. He has that whole sweet old grandpa thing going on. Definitely the best doc I’ve ever had.”

“That isn’t hard to do, especially since your last doctor was a fucking nightmare.”

Nightmare... 

_Skin pulled across bones. The smell of rotting flesh. Milky white eyes glowing in the dark and staring at him. Long, grotesque fingers reaching out for him. The screams of his sisters as they suffered in the cold. It was his fault, she said. It was all his fault. The fingers are wrapping around his head now. Squeezing. It feels like he’s being pulled and pushed all at once and he can’t handle it much longer before-_

Chris shook Josh’s arm.

“Shit, dude, are you with me?” Josh blinked a few times to focus on Chris, the image of Dr. Williams fading.

“Uh... yeah. Yeah, yeah. What happened?”

“You totally blanked out on me. It was like you weren’t even here.”

He hadn’t been there. He was sent back to that room. With that thing.

“Sorry. Shit, I’m so sorry dude. You came out to hang and have a good time and I can’t even...” Josh’s skin was crawling and he just wanted it to stop. He just wanted to know that he was still himself. Why couldn’t he do something as simple as talk to his friend without fucking up?

“It’s fine. I’ve had a great time hanging out with you. Why don’t I bring you home? I still haven’t told you about my college roommates.” Chris helped Josh wrap up the rest of his food. For the rest of the way home, he kept a hand on Josh’s shoulder.

He didn’t say it, But Josh knew that Chris could tell that he was grateful.

He just wished he could be a better friend...

* * *

 

10:43pm

Josh stared at the clock, hoping that the rhythm of his curtains brushing against his wall would lull him to sleep. That they would distract him.

_It was your fault. You should have went with the rescue team. You should have TRIED. But you sat back and watched. I bet you wanted them to die._

Dr. Williams’ voice was getting louder. He curled up and blocked his ears.

“No... I loved them...”

_You loved them? But you let them die. Sam will end up just the same as they did. Dead at the bottom of a hole. Left to starve and freeze to death. Everything you love will die. Soon, everyone will leave you. And then you will die. But no one will care when you’re gone. Sam wishes it was you who died instead of Beth and Hannah. She liked them better. She never cared about you._

“But she needs me now... we help each other...”

_She only wastes her time on you because there is no one else. Deep down, she can’t wait for you to disappear. She’s only using you. She hates you, Josh. If you love her, do her a favor and leave her life forever. She’ll be happier when you’re dead._

Josh sat up in his bed crying, scratching at his head, trying to make the voice stop. He pulled his hands away and could see his nails stained with blood.

“LEAVE ME ALONE!” Josh screamed at the ceiling

_Sam will be happy. You will be with your sisters. Doesn’t death seem better than living at this point?_

“No...” Through his tears, Josh could make out the faint outlines of the box in the corner of his room. He had moved it out of the closet on impulse earlier today. 

Maybe it  _was_  time he left. He was an awful friend, and an even worse brother. He didn’t deserve anything. He life was worthless.

It wasn’t long until Josh found himself kneeling on the floor in front of the box, tears falling and staining the cardboard. He lifted the lid and let out a choked sob when he saw the razor and gun. The moonlight seemed to shine on them at that moment, almost like a sign. With shaking hands, Josh lifted up the gun, checking the clip to see if the bullet was still inside.

They would be happier. He was a setback. He couldn’t be normal. He couldn’t take care of himself. He was a burden on everyone. On Sam.

When he saw the bullet securely placed, he pushed the clip back in. With a deep breath, Josh brought the gun up to the side of his head.

Everything would be better this way...

“I’m sorry, Chris... I’m sorry Mom and Dad... I’m sorry... I’m sorry I couldn’t save them...” His hands were shaking violently, scraping the metal of the gun against his head. Tears were pouring down his face now.

_Do it, Josh. It’s for the best._

With one last breath, Josh pulled the trigger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys~ I hope you liked this chapter, cause it really fucked me up. Few notes.
> 
> People watching is actually really helpful, whether you need artistic inspiration or need a new image of humans. Also it just helps to clear yo mind. I do it all the time.
> 
> If you are suicidal please reach out to someone, it could be a doctor, your friends, family, or even me, just reach out to someone because you DO matter and MANY people would miss you if you went away, even if it doesn't seem like it now.
> 
> Thank you for reading and helpful criticism is always welcomed and appreciated as are your comments and opinions of the story so far. TAKE CARE :D


	7. And Suddenly I Knew, He Was Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam comes back from her climbing trip and finds out what happened to Josh.

The first thing that Sam noticed when she got down from the mountain was the uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach. At first, she took it as a symptom of the change in air pressure. It had happened before.

But then she got the message from Josh’s mom. 

The ride home was spent in silence, the members of her climbing group not wanting to make ripples in the water that was Sam’s emotional state. She sat next to the bus window, watching the scenery change rapidly with her tear blurred vision. On her lap was her phone, opened to the text that described what Josh’s mom had found.

Josh’s parents had woken up to the sound of him screaming, shortly followed by a gun going off. When his father finally burst through the locked door, they had found Josh on the floor, starring wide eyed at the gun in his hand, at the shards of a blank littering the floor.

_Sam could remember that gun perfectly. The sleek design, the grooves in the handle, even the way her finger would fit into the curve of the trigger, it was an image imprinted in her mind. The first time she saw it was when she was in Josh’s closet while helping him with laundry. She never mentioned it to him, and she never looked in that box again, but every night afterwards she would lie awake beating herself up for not taking it._

_That’s when she decided to go out and buy blanks._

_The next time she saw the gun was when she went over to have a movie night with Josh. When he went to the bathroom, Sam had run to the closet to find the box. Never before had she held a gun, so it took a few frantic moments for her to open the ammo clip, to remove the single bullet that was inside, and to replace it with a blank._

_For the rest of that night, the bullet in her pocket felt like a lead weight._

Sam yelled at herself. She should have taken it. She should have taken it when she found out that Josh had it. She should have taken it when she realized that the metal and handle of the gun weren’t as cold to touch as they should have been. She should have taken it when it sunk in that Josh had held that gun before. She should have taken it.

Sam wiped her tears away with the sleeve of her sweater, but it was useless. As quickly as those tears were wiped away, new ones replaced them.

She had hoped therapy would help him. She had hoped that she could help him. But it wasn’t enough. She wasn’t enough. She failed to help him. Now he was in a hospital, forced to stay in the one place he hated the most.

She should have helped.

“Hey, Sam, how are you feeling?” Sam turned to see her father taking a seat next to her, reaching over to squeeze her shoulder. Sam wiped away her tears again.

“I feel like crap.” Even saying those four words proved to be a hard task as Sam forced herself to not cry, feeling her throat tighten up. Her father pulled her over so she could rest her head on his shoulder, and suddenly Sam couldn’t hold it back. As she clung to his sweater, filling the bus with the sound of her anguished cries, her father hugged her tightly, running his hands through her hair to comfort her. Sam wanted to hide from the reality of everything. She wished she could stay in her fathers embrace, protected.

“Dad... I couldn’t help him. I... I left him... He could have died...” Her father rested his head on top of hers, rubbing the side of her arm.

“Honey... You did help him. Weren’t you the one who took the bullet out of the gun?”

“...Yes”

“That saved his life. You saved his life. Sam, you have done so much for that boy, don’t discredit yourself.” Sam let out a choked sob as her father wiped away her tears. She wanted to be strong, but it was getting difficult. All she could think about was curling up and hiding. Sam didn’t know how much longer she could handle this.

“I... I just don’t understand, Dad. It seemed like he was doing so well. I never thought...” Sam spoke softly, afraid of the realization that her words brought. Josh wasn’t doing better. He was ready to end his life. He still had a long way to go. Her father pulled away and tilted her face so she would look at him.

“I have never been in a position like Josh’s, but I do understand the process of recovery. It’s a long, grueling process, and it may seem like he is taking two steps forward and five steps back, and it will feel like that for awhile, but it’s a necessary part of recovery. Right now he might feel like he’s a hopeless mess, but you can’t let him forget how far he got before stepping back. You can help him see the progress he has made before, and you can help him strive to surpass that point of recovery.”

Sam welcomed the feeling of her father wrapping his hands back around her. Even at this age, she could count on him to give her guidance and protect her. When she was young, he was a mountain that couldn’t be moved, and still she believed it.

“Thanks, Dad... I think I just really want to see Josh now... To check on him...” Sam tried to keep her eyes open, tried to focus on the expanse of trees that passed by the window, but her eyes were sore and weary from crying, and sleep was quickly creeping up on her.

“You’ll see him soon, but we still have a four hour ride until we get home. You should sleep so you’ll be well rested when we arrive.” Her father said softly, but as he looked down at her, he could see that she was already asleep, using him as a pillow. He brushed her hair back behind her ear. The skin around her eyes was red from crying, and her mouth was slightly opened. Her father looked out the window and watched everything as it zoomed by. Very gently, he leaned down to kiss her forehead.

“What did we do to deserve you?”

* * *

 

The next day, as Sam stood before the hospital, she prepared herself to see Josh. She didn’t know how he would react, or If he would even be in the moment. Maybe he wouldn’t even want to see her...

The night before had been a restless one. She constantly threw around the different scenarios that could occur when seeing Josh. She was afraid it would be a bad one.

“It’ll be ok... Everything will be ok...” Sam said to herself as she walked into the hospital. It reeked of cleaning products and sickness, a combination that always made Sam want to gag, but she quickly made her way to the counter to inquire about Josh’s whereabouts.

“He’s on this floor. Head down that hallway there and you’ll see a sign directing you to the psych ward. A nurse will be in that area and she can bring you to him.” The girl at the counter looked no older than 16, with a big smile on her face and brown hair pulled up into a neat bun. Sam envied her for her cheeriness. With a quick thank you, Sam made her way to the psych ward.

This section of the hospital seemed no different to the other part, aside from the fact that the room doors were metal instead of wood. A few people lingered in the main sitting room, each with a nurse by their side. Sam felt extremely uncomfortable so she went to a nurse that was by herself.

“Uh, hi. Sorry to bother you but I’m looking for Josh. Josh Washington.” The nurse looked up from her clipboard to stare at Sam. She was an older woman, probably in her 50′s, and she didn’t look thrilled to be there.

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea. He had some issues this morning. He might not be in the best state for conversation.” 

“Please, I’m a really close family friend, and his mom told me that I should come and see him.” Sam was willing to get on her knees and beg. She just had to see Josh. The nurse looked at her as though she was a lunatic before letting out an audible sigh.

“Alright, I’ll let you see him. Follow me.” Sam didn’t need to be told twice, as she stayed close behind the nurse as they navigated through the hospital hallways. It wasn’t long before they stopped in front of a room labeled ‘A 116′. Peeking inside the window on the door, Sam could see the back of Josh’s head. The nurse opened the door and led Sam inside.

“Joshua, someone is here to see you.”

The response was only silence. He was dressed in sweatpants and a loose t-shirt, hospital tag wrapped around his wrist. It killed Sam to see him curled up on the bed next to the wall, hiding his face from them. She stepped towards him.

“Hey, Josh, It’s me, Sam. I’m back from my climbing trip.” As she got closer, she could hear Josh mumbling to himself. Most of it was gibberish, but she managed to pick up the words ‘monster’, ‘sisters’, and ‘dead’. Sam sat down at the edge of his bed and placed her hand on his shoulder. “Josh, how are you feeling?”

After awhile, he began to turn to look at her, but Sam could see that his eyes weren’t focused on her. It was like he was seeing something else in her spot. The term dissociating from psychology class popped into her head. Suddenly, Josh reached out and touched her arm.

“Too sweet. I don’t deserve her. Sweet like hot chocolate. I’m sorry I couldn’t be good.” He was dragging the tips of his fingers up and down her arms now, and it was hard for Sam to keep still because of the tickling sensation. She grabbed his hand with her own.

“Hey, it’s ok. I’m here for you. I’m here if you need me. You deserve so much, Josh. You deserve to get better. You deserve to live.” Josh was looking down at their intertwined hands now, focused on the contact. Then he looked up and made eye contact with her.

“Sam... I want her...” Josh looked back down at their hands. “I want you to be happy.”

Sam couldn’t stop the choked laughter that left her mouth. She reached up to caress his cheek with her free hand and he leaned into the touch.

“You silly asshole,  _YOU_  make me happy. Throughout all this shit, you’ve been there for me to talk to. I can’t do this without you.”

Josh leaned forward, touching his forehead to Sam’s.

“I make you happy.” As he said that, Josh began to smile. “I make you happy. Sammy, I make you happy.”

Sam couldn’t help but smile as tears escaped her eyes. “Yes, you make me so happy, Josh.  _God_  I love your smile, I was afraid I’d never see it again.”

“Sam, you make happy. Sammy, I love you.”

She didn’t know if it was the delirium talking, or if he actually meant it, but she didn’t care. There would be time to talk, time to explain how she felt, but for the moment, she was happy. Josh was alive. Josh loved her.

With a lifted heart, Sam hoped that the worst was behind them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't be fooled, this pain train aint over yet, this is just a stop at happy lane c:
> 
> Also, sorry if my hospital scene is awkward, I've only been stationed in psych ward for a few hours while being evaluated and so i'm pulling this from memory. My clearest memory of that place was my rooms back wall being completely metal like a garage door.
> 
> ANYWAYS THANK YOU FOR READING! I hope you enjoyed it~ Constructive criticism is ALWAYS welcomed and appreciated as are your comments and opinions on the story so far. Thank you again for reading!


	8. Survival Is A Temporary State

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh isn't the only one reaching his breaking point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING!!! With the end of my first trimester, I had many finals to get ready for (also Fallout 4 has consumed me)
> 
> BUT, as I sit next to the beacon of my sins and wait for the time to go Black Friday shopping, I decided to give you the next part! even if it is hella short...... :c
> 
> I hope you enjoy it!

_The rain was all that managed to keep her in the moment. Its gentle caress reminding her that this was it; the end. Everything she had hoped for, had worked for, gone, shattered, ripped from her. She was thankful for the rain; thankful that it created the feeling of tears streaming down her cheeks as she had cried to the point where all that left her body were dry sobs; thankful that Josh’s favorite weather graced his funeral._

_Next to her, Chris stood in silence. He hadn’t spoken since they arrived, and ever since the incident he had only spoken a few words. From what Ashley had told her, Chris had even begun to stop eating, and that if he kept going, she’d have to say something or get him help. Sam didn’t say it, but she had also missed a few meals ever since that phone call that came in the early hours of the morning._

_She couldn’t stand to look at the Washingtons. Melinda wore the expression of a woman who had lost all of her will to live, her bloodshot eyes staring blankly at the coffin. Bob had walked away when the coffin was brought over to the grave sight, unable to look at it without sobbing. Now he sat some ways away on an abandoned bench, head in his hands, ignoring the cold seeping through his clothes._

_A warm hand gently grabbed her shoulder and squeezed. Looking up, Dr. Hill was giving her a tight smiled, before glancing over at the coffin. She could see tears in the corners of his eyes. He had been more affected by Josh’s suicide than Sam expected, personally taking time off to grieve to come to terms with what happened, but she knew that this would haunt him for the rest of his life, as it would with everyone._

_They were the only ones at the cemetery, besides the grave diggers who could be spotted off in the distance, waiting for the time to lower Josh down. Sam felt a spike of anger in her heart at the thought. No one from their group of friends, except Chris, went to Josh’s wake, and now didn’t attend his funeral. She didn’t want to blame them for his downfall, but she couldn’t believe that they wouldn’t come to pay their respects, couldn’t believe that they wouldn’t send condolences to the family._

_For a while longer, they stood and watched silently as the coffin rested above the grave, waiting to be settled in, and one by one, they dispersed to find comfort in places of their own. Only Sam stayed. She didn’t want to listen to the blunt impact of dirt being shoveled onto the coffins wood, but she wanted to spend every last minute of Josh being above ground, by his side._

_The grave diggers came over without a word, quickly setting to work on lowering him down into the Earth, checking and securing his coffin to the lever that would bring him below._

_“Hey, grab that corner it’s off balance.”_

_“It’ll be fine. Just lower it.”_

_“It’ll tip, just fix the damn thing.”_

_“Don’t screw around with it!”_

_Sam watched in slow motion as the grave diggers fought over aligning the coffin on the lever, and watched as it tipped over, its locks breaking and the lid flying open. Josh’s body tumbled out, and Sam screamed in horror._

_His body was disfigured, his bones, distorted and elongated, stretching his now sickly pale skin tight across them. One side of his mouth was ripped and filled with jagged teeth that were stained red. Sam fell to her knees sobbing at the sight in front of her. This wasn’t Josh. It couldn’t be. Slowly, she crawled towards his body._

_“...Josh?”_

_Suddenly, his eyes opened._

* * *

 

Sam shot up in her bed, screaming, and soaked in sweat. Her skin still felt cold from the rain in her dream, but knew it was just the sweat and goosebumps forming.

“Oh god... Josh...”

Feeling sick, she ran to the bathroom and emptied any and all the contents in her stomach into the toilet. Remembering the state of Josh’s body, she threw up another round. After a few minutes of disgusting coughs and devastated sobs, Sam rested her head on the toilet seat, taking deep breaths. Those white glossy eyes wouldn’t leave her mind. She felt a cold chill run down her spine at the thought of them and how they seemed to stare straight into her soul. Crawling back to her room, she knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep.

“I need help... I need help...”

Reaching for her end table, she dug around the drawer until she found a slip of paper with a familiar number on it. Punching it in to her phone, she curled up on the floor with it pressed to her ear.

“I hope he listens to his voicemail...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cascbifubawcba
> 
> I know where I want this story to go, I just need to get my ass in gear and write it D:
> 
> As always, helpful criticism is always welcomed and appreciated, as are your comments and opinions~
> 
> Thank you for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys liked it, and if you did, feel free to tell me so I can know if I should continue this. Helpful criticism is ALWAYS welcomed AND appreciated.


End file.
